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The Need for Married Life
Married Life
Vedic lore laid so much stress, gave so much importance, to the proper
choice of a mate. It was not the senses that was to be involved in choosing
one's mate; it was not education; it was not culture; it was not wealth;
it was, in a sense, the spiritual blood line which one is marrying into.
And I was able to understand the profound wisdom of our ancients, of
our forefathers - that a mate must be selected from considerations and
criteria other than those which we normally apply - health, wealth,
education, family traditions etc.
Marriage is the only opportunity we get of looking into another person
at such a close range that we can really see the heart. You marry for
a face and a figure, but later on you must love that which is contained
in the face and figure, the heart, and admire the qualities that the
heart reflects. Love what you see inside, the qualities of the heart
- this is what the grihastha life is expected to develop into.
In grihastha life there is the power of love, nothing but a simple man's
simple love for simple woman, creating a simple family in simple circumstances
with unbeatable bliss, unbeatable contentment. The essence is, "Seek
a simple life, don't look for ecstasies, it doesn't exist." If life
is lived naturally, there are no peaks, no depressions. There is only
blissful calm, a sort of a level curve - it is not a curve any more.
It is a straight line. So this is what we have to expect.
A man or a woman, when they marry, they marry because of love, they have
children because of love, and then when you have a family, it is natural
to give up even your own needs for the sake of the children, so sacrifice
develops. So that's why a family life is so necessary, according to
our Sahaj Marg principles. Family means two people committed to each
other's welfare, loving each other, prepared to die for each other.
That is, the last one - prepared to die for each other - is precisely
the growth of sacrifice, the development of sacrifice.
The modern form of relationship is a human creation. It only satisfies
desire and lust. It doesn't fulfill the requirement of love, anger and
sacrifice. So when we accept love as a divine attribute, and we have
understood that the highest expression of love is the highest sacrifice
that we can possibly make, then we will understand that any form of
expression of love which has no bearing on sacrifice is not that divine
love. If it is not divine, it is human.
Lalaji wanted that abhyasis should marry among themselves, widows should
be remarried. We talk about this as Lalaji's greatness and Babuji's
greatness. But when it comes to following these things we are still
money minded, commercial and have no idea of the happiness of the couple
who are to be married. We just barter and sell, as if we are bartering
cattle or ox. We are always preaching but never practicing. So Babuji
used to say, "Say what you mean and mean what you say."
There can be a marriage of spiritual persons. And that makes the biggest
difference to a marriage. When brutes get married, the marriage will
be a brutal one. There will be nothing in it but lust and passion and
violence. When spiritual persons marry, spiritually elevated persons,
then that life in all aspects - not just marriage - in all aspects it
will become progressively divinised.
Why People want to be Married in our satsangh?
Even couples who have been married already, they come to me and say,
"I would like to be married again, in the spiritual way." So the difference
is the idea of holiness. One is a very profane type of marriage. Here
it is a holy marriage. So this idea of holiness is something I would
like to talk about, because it is a feeling, it is a spirit, it is an
attitude we should cultivate.
The idea of holiness - that there are certain things which are holy,
then there are certain places which are holy, people who are holy -
we have to bring back into our everyday life and not just reserve them
for our churches and our temples, and for special occasions. What is
holy is always holy.
In marriages, most of all we should try to re-inculcate this principle
of holiness. That is why it is called, in the language of the church,
holy matrimony. It must be made holy. The partners to the marriage must
understand, must accept, must feel that this is a holy alliance of two
people. Marriage is not something just legalizing two people going to
bed together. That is the modern idea.
If there is a holy feeling about love, it cannot be profanized until
that holiness has become an established fact between two people. And
in that holy atmosphere, they involve themselves in matrimonial life,
in all its aspects. Then, in the holy spirit, whatever is done is holy.
The fruits of those actions are holy.
This must be an established fact in marriage, that the husband's sole
concern must be his wife - not himself. He must be giving, not receiving.
The wife's sole concern must be her husband. She must be giving all
the time, not receiving. Now imagine the magnificence of such a union,
you see, where each is only concerned with giving himself and herself-
totally! What bliss can result out of such a marriage.
When there is love between two persons, whether husband and wife, father
and son, mother and daughter, friends, guru and disciple - if this real
love is there between the two, there will automatically develop a mutual
respect, a mutual regard, even a mutual admiration, perhaps, even a
mutual worship. Because friendship must ripen into love, love must ripen
into adoration. Adoration must ripen into worship, into surrender and
then into the extinction of the self.
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